Shark Out of Water (Grab Your Pole, #3) Page 9

  She shifted her weight on her feet and I would say she had to force herself to look him in the face when she answered, “Oh, um, okay…are you taking them with you?”

  “Yep,” he answered and turned to leave.

  “Wait, um…I haven’t been able to find that catnip sock they like so much so you might wanna make another one.” Ah, I get it…the shared custody thing.

  That must’ve been what they were talking about earlier but I don’t see where Auntie Jillian fits in and why either of them would have to be blackmailed. However, here’s what I found really strange; when Tristan heard that, he shifted his weight and actually broke eye contact for a moment before saying, “Yeah, alright.” If I didn’t know better, I’d swear on my soul that he wasn’t expecting her to bring that up and he knows something about the stupid sock that she doesn’t and he doesn’t want her to know. It was fuckin’ weird. What the hell does a fuckin’ sock filled with catnip have to do with anything?

  “Okay, and just so you know…they’ve been kinda bonkers the last couple of days and they’re sorta loud.” She said it as sort of an offhanded warning about his children misbehaving, but Tristan’s response made her literally and visibly shiver, and I fucking swear to God, I think I was blushing just as much as she was.

  It wasn’t so much what he said or how he said it, in fact, I really didn’t get what the big deal was, but it was the smirk and the profoundly intimate look he had on his face when he said, “So I’ve heard.”

  It was like for that single moment, Tristan simply forgot or didn’t give a shit that Katy, Melissa and I were there watching and listening, thereby turning the three of us into peeping toms by sharing with us something intensely private and personal that was strictly meant for him and Camie alone, and then on that fundamentally erotic note, he walked away, leaving us all shifting our weight uncomfortably.

  I watched the girls silently wander off to the gym where cheer practice was being held and all I could think about was having just unwittingly participated in voyeurism when I turned around and fucking screamed like a little girl.

  “You wanted to talk to me?” Jillian asked with one eyebrow raised superciliously.

  So much for thinking things through…

  Yep, I’m a rule breaker ~ Pete

  I am not a jealous person.

  I’m honestly not. I just don’t have that gene of insecurity. Everyone who knows him would say that Tristan is a prime example of someone who is inflicted with jealousy. Everyone except me that is. Yeah okay, he was a little jealous in the very beginning before he really knew Camie and they got together, and yeah, I’d say he has a touch of insecurity, too, but it doesn’t really make him jealous. It makes him cautious. Sometimes so cautious it’s detrimental, but what Tristan does real battle with, is guardianship. It’s as simple as that. He takes care of what’s his, whether it’s material or human, and he does it with unsurpassed zeal. And because he’s so militant about protecting Camie, it comes off as jealousy, which is what I’m afraid my concern for her sister is gonna look like. Especially since I’m throwing caution to the wind and calling Jillian when she’s not alone, which is kind of a no-no. Well, not kind of but whatever. I’m calling because she’s not alone.

  I’ll admit I get cranky when I’m unusually tired or don’t feel good, and when I saw her walk off campus with Jeff, it pretty much pissed me off, so, I was dialing before I even realized what I was doing. I know she’s more than capable of taking care of herself and most of the time, I actually enjoy watching her do just that, plus she would probably prefer I not protect her from anything, but the fact is, she’s just gonna have to deal with me doing it sometimes. Like right now; she’s tired and vulnerable and I’m still fired up about Jeff’s idiocy of late so I just wanna make sure he isn’t verbally abusing her to her face because if he is, I swear to God, I’ll use his nuts for pitching practice. That is, if I can castrate him before she does…

  Knowing full well I’d just broken the rules, I rolled my eyes and shook my head in contrition when she turned with her phone in her hand and actually found me with her eyes. But when she got snotty and intentionally shunned me by hitting ignore on her phone and then continued on with Jeff as her voicemail picked up, I had to bite my tongue on the words, “You’re going with Jeff?! Really, what the fuck?!”

  Shit.

  Do you think she’d let me off the hook if I pleaded exhaustion? Yeah, I know…that’s why I didn’t even bother leaving a message.

  Beelzebub’s bride dwells in a forest of cryptic trees ~ Jeff

  Jesus Christ!

  I swear the chick does this shit on purpose! She’s almost worse than that fuckin’ Ferb, who I seriously fucking think files her own goddamned nails down so they don’t make any clicking noises while she hunts me. I’m predicting it now; I’m gonna have a fuckin’ heart attack one of these days and it’ll be because of Jillian or Ferb. Maybe both, because I could just see the two of them in cahoots against me.

  Once I regained my manly composure that Jillian’s unnerving appearance effectively swiped from me, I decided it’s now or never.

  “Yeah, I do. Come on, I’ll drive you home,” I said and started walking towards the steps to the back lot.

  She walked with me but halted at the foot of the stairs and then formally—I would’ve said politely if it wasn’t for the content of her statement which I think was an insult aimed at me—she said, “Thank you, but no. I prefer to walk. The people at this school are easily confused and have an unfortunate propensity for jumping to the wrong conclusion…I’d really rather not be responsible for taxing their feeble minds further, which I’m afraid would cause a collective mental breakdown and the school counselors are underpaid as it is.”

  I was about to retort when the phone in her hand started to vibrate and she froze like a blonde ice sculpture. Then when the ringtone kicked on, I watched in fascination as she visibly thawed to AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells.” All the jokes swirling in my head about her response to Satan’s mating call must’ve been readily visible on my face, but in addition to my humor, she apparently wasn’t in the mood for her demonic lover either because her eyes caught fire like a switch had been thrown on her internal incinerator. I held my tongue as she took an extremely deep breath, and I’m pretty sure I saw fire in her nostrils so I was hoping she wasn’t about to breathe out her anger in my direction, which was why I was most grateful when she turned her head to let her breath out. Looking away back towards campus, she held her phone up and almost vindictively clicked it off, and then just as cool as she was before it rang she said, “On second thought, I’d be happy to accept your offer if it still stands.”

  “Uhh, sure…” So that was how I found myself alone in an enclosed space driving Beelzebub’s bride home from school…

  “Look, Jeff, I know you don’t particularly care for me because I make you nervous, and I’ll be honest here, your behavior lately hasn’t exactly endeared me to being your biggest fan, but in light of what I believe you to be struggling with, I’m prepared to overlook your recent thick headedness and complete lack of faith.”

  All I could think was, “Oh holy fuck, what the hell have I gotten myself into?” Of course I didn’t actually say that. Come on, I know better…had I spoken that out loud, you know she would’ve fuckin’ told me and I doubt I wanna hear the answer. So what I said instead was, “I think something is goin’ on behind the scenes with Camie and Tristan and I think you know what it is…I need you to level with me and tell me why you sided with him and not your own sister.” I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself. That sounded fuckin’ great!

  “Ah. Waking up are we? Well, unfortunately, I’m no longer at liberty to say. I will say this though, regardless of our GPA, we all have times in our lives when we’re not too bright and can’t see the forest for the trees,” she said with a smile. I’m not sure if it was genuine or sarcastic, but it pissed me off because it felt like she was laughing at me.

  “This isn’t a
goddamned joke, Jillian!”

  “I’m not laughing, Jeff, I’m simply being cryptic but you have to understand something about how I work and that is, once I’ve given my word, that’s it and even if I was open to intimidation, bribery or blackmail, in this particular situation there isn’t a single thing in this world that would make me go back on the deal I made.”

  “Oh shit…you’re saying that you’ll keep your mouth shut as payment for something you want.” That’s what Tristan’s “not exactly” statement meant. He’s doing her a favor…

  “You catch on quick when you’re awake…but keep in mind, just because I’ve agreed to be silent, doesn’t mean I’m sitting this one out. My advice to you if you want answers is to go to the source,” Jillian told me as I pulled up to a stop sign. Then, before I could ask her anything else or stop her, she slipped out of the Jeep.

  “Wait! Jillian!”

  She turned around to face me and as she walked away backwards she said, “Oh and by the by, I only make you nervous because you don’t like the exposed feeling that comes with being surprised, and on that, Jeff, we are very much alike.” Then she winked at me, turned back around and disappeared into the trees lining the park, leaving me to check to make sure I wasn’t sitting there naked and exposed.

  Honestly, how in the fuck does she know this shit about me?

  Being the master of your domain is hard—(DAMN IT!)—er than it sounds ~ Tristan

  …The Stock Market crash of 1929, Hurricane Katrina, the Challenger explosion, all the Twilight movies, the Exxon Valdez, the BP oil spill… Yeah, I’m running through a mental list of catastrophic disasters to keep my mind off of what it’s like to give Camie an orgasm. After her sister drew the parallel this morning, I was fuckin’ rock hard the second Camie herself just had to mention how loud the girls have been and that’s just not really the kind of shape I should be in to see her parents, know what I mean? …Hitler, Justin Bieber, San Francisco’s earthquake of 1906, the Northridge earthquake, the Bubonic Plague, Chernobyl, the Titanic…

  FUCK!!!!

  Well, that clearly didn’t fuckin’ work. Now not only am I thinking about what it’s like to give her an orgasm but what it’s like to be given one by her too! Maybe I should try singing to myself… Goddamnit! The first two songs that came to mind were my current and previous ringtones for Camie. Flo Rida’s “Right Round” was what I made it the morning after she went down on me the first time. And let me be clear here, for a chick who had no clue what she was doing and was exceedingly nervous about doing it, the chorus of that song fits her skills fucking perfectly. The next song was Staind’s “It’s Been A While,” which is pretty much my sorry excuse for a life right now set to goddamned music, but the specific part that says I can still remember just the way you taste is what I replaced “Right Round” with as my ringtone for Camie right before I came back to town, so…nope. Singing’s not gonna work either. In fact, I’m obviously gonna have to change that before I step foot in the house because if I don’t, I’m screwed when Camie gives me head—I mean the heads up that she’s cummi—Oh holy fucking hell.

  When she tells me she’s on her way home. There.

  Jesus Christ, you’d think that I’m like eleven or something. I’m being punished, I just know it. My brain hasn’t been on the same team as my body since I was in fourth grade…this is so not fucking cool! What’s next? Can I expect my goddamned voice to start cracking like I’m goin’ through fuckin’ puberty again? I mean seriously, for the love of Pete—oh, wait, Pete. Now that should help. Pete’s a great guy; he’s had my back on this since the very beginning. Well, except that one time when he was running his tongue over Camie’s body that night at Mike’s, the little ass-bandit. At least I was able to get rid of that mental image pretty well in the desert, though, and then New Year’s and the champagne took care of anything else that might’ve been lingering. Plus, Pete was fuckin’ hysterical on New Year’s. New Year’s… Now that was a fuckin’ kickass way to start the year off. I still can’t believe how phenomenal she was that first ti—AW FUCK!!!

  Yeah, you know you’re being punished when thinking about one of your buddies brings you just that much closer to blowin’ the wad you’ve got goin’ for a girl…

  I was sitting in my car in front of Camie’s house swearing at myself, fantasizing, swearing at myself, changing that goddamned ringtone, swearing at myself, and considering whether it would be plausible and/or appropriate to go straight to the bathroom to rub one out before facing her family when the rampant need to do so was rendered completely unnecessary. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever be so relieved to have had the shit scared out of me as I was right then.

  “Love’s like suicide, huh? Good song but kind of a downer of a ringtone for people who’re still alive and in love if you ask me,” Jillian commented from outside my window in reference to Chris Cornell’s acoustic version of Soundgarden’s song “Like Suicide” that I’d just finished programming my phone with, and startling me so much that she trampled my wood like a chainsaw toting lumberjack.

  “It’s better than what I had and besides, I’m not asking you,” I snapped at her. What I felt like saying was something like, “Oh, thank you, Jesus! You’re the best!” And yeah, the song is amazing, but maybe not quite the best considering I almost accidentally killed myself so I’ll just have to change it to something else later. Huh. Is it still considered suicide when you kill yourself on accident? I don’t think it is…whatever. Not the point.

  “My my you’re testy this afternoon...and far be it from me to make you even more cranky, but you should probably know that you’ve got an engine leak.”

  “WHAT?!” I hollered and flew out of my car and laid myself flat on the asphalt to look underneath it. Sure as shit, there was a goddamned fucking lake of fluorescent green fluid running off into the gutter. I’d been so goddamned absorbed sitting in the car that I hadn’t even noticed the fucking hissing sound or the sickly sweet syrup odor that I was blasted with once I got down there.

  I had my car jacked up and I was just crawling back out from under it when Camie’s dad pulled into the driveway.

  “Hey there, Boy…what’s happening?” Kevin asked as he got out of his car and came over to me.

  Oh nothing much, Sir, I just physically abused your daughter when we were both shitfaced drunk after the fucking party we had in your house while you were out of town and now I’m lying to her about it by letting her believe I broke up with her on her sixteenth birthday because she wouldn’t fuck me. I’m also letting her and pretty much everyone else believe I don’t love her, and I’m desperately struggling to not let anyone catch on that my johnson gets harder than a fucking diamond every goddamned time I’m reminded of when she sucked me off. Did I mention that because it was Camie’s virginal lips and warm tongue working my dick into a frenzy for the first time, it was also the first time ever that I didn’t wrap it up before sticking it anyone’s mouth? Well it was. And you wanna know something else? Not only did she choose to not stop when I gave her advanced notice that I was about to blow out and just let me cum straight into her mouth, but she fuckin’ swallowed me too. Yeah, I know, right? It was pretty phenomenal. Of course all of that was right after she scared the fucking shit out of one of our cats while she loudly and very enthusiastically sank her nails into me when I ate her out like I was starving. Oh, not the cat…your daughter. Her nails are probably just as sharp though…I can show you some scars if you wanna see ‘em as proof. And if you don’t already know, she’s really got a set of lungs on her, which I’m sure she found beneficial when I gave her step-by-step instructions on how to give me the mother fucking hummer in the first place! I know I sure appreciated her vocal abilities when she sent me through the goddamned roof by treating my dick like a goddamned trombone and moaning her pleasure while we were giving simultaneous oral a try. But other than that, really, it’s been slow. What’s been happening with you?

  “I’ve got a damned coolant leak…”


  “Find the source yet?” He asked and bent over the open hood as he began checking clamps and shit.

  “Yeah, I’m hoping it’s just this one hose…damned thing split wide open.”

  “Huh. Let’s replace ‘em all just to be safe…why don’t you run over to the auto parts shop and get what you need and when you get back, I’ll be changed and ready to get messy with you,” he said and tossed me the keys to his Nova.

  Damn it. You know, when I agreed to take part in Jillian’s little crusade to cheer her dad up it never even occurred to me that it would make me feel like shit in the process.

  Double-edged sword my horny, pissed off, lying, insurrectionist ass…

  I think I’m turning into a fuckin’ chick here… ~ Jeff

  I’ll be so damned happy when this cheer crap is over with. Maybe then Katy and I can finally spend some time alone in the house before our parents get home. I swear to God, why don’t they just hand Camie her pom poms and be done with it? The chick is a natural and I really don’t get how anyone is even gonna be left to tryout against her by the end of the week. Shit, the other day she was even helping a couple of her opponents with the moves and words they kept fucking up on.

  I walked into the gym impatiently and looked around to see if they were done for the day yet. I was tapping my foot like your grandma would do if she caught you running through her spotless kitchen with muddy shoes when Katy and Camie came skipping up all tra-la-la like.

  “Finally, can we get the fuck outta here and go home now?” I asked Katy.

  She kind of shot me a look like she was telling me to be nice, but then Camie said something that really fuckin’ grated and I had to stomp on my temper when Katy’s look went to one of apology.

  “Oh I know, I’m starving…I can’t wait for dinner! Kate said we could stop at the store to pick up some bacon for the burgers…”